The not entirely accurate guide for New Yorkers who somehow end up living in Minneapolis.
A quick wit polarizes Minnesotans. They find it either distasteful or delightful and nothing in between.
Minnesotans work hard from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. This is work time. Non-work time is time when you do not work. If work time somehow encroaches on non-work time, then it’s because someone didn't follow the procedure.
Minnesotans love procedure. Procedure is the way things need to be done. If something doesn't get done or done right, BUT it was done according to procedure, then it is still okay because everyone (thankfully) followed procedure.
Every Minnesotan has a cabin. They will occasionally say “We should have you up to the cabin sometime.” Rest assured, you will never go “Up to the cabin.” This is a generalized statement of situational approval and not an invitation. It's just to let you know that they like you well enough to tell you they have a cabin that you won’t ever go to.
87.3% of Minnesotans have boats. They will, if you are lucky, invite you out on their boat. You will need to accept this invitation if offered. Cancel surgeries, and postpone Bar Mitzvahs. Once an invitation to “Go out on the boat,” has been declined you will not receive another. Ever.
Under no circumstances should you get you’re own boat. You’re just going to hit other boats, run over swimmers, accidentally set fire to yourself and others, and sink your car in the lake trying to get it in and out.
The biggest lake closest to you is always referred to as “The Lake.”
Every home decorations store has an endless supply of “lake house” throw pillows, candles, wine glasses, and faux weathered signs that say things like “Eat. Pray. Lake.”
Minnesotans use “nice” like how New Yorkers use sarcasm. It's for bonding, shaming, judging, sharing information, and bullying. Ironically, New Yorkers are 100% immune to all the negative forms of “Minnesota Nice” but are utterly helpless against the actual “nice” uses of nice.
Minnesotans make excellent meat and cheese things. Curds are like mozzarella sticks if mozzarella sticks weren’t a consistently disappointing horror show. Yes, most of the cheese in Minnesota comes from Wisconsin, but Minnesotans talk unsurprisingly little about this.
Wisconsin is Minnesotas New Jersey. Lower taxes, flagrant political corruption, firearms everywhere, lower gas prices, and a rampant spirit of near lawlessness in every interaction. Iowa is Minnesotas Pennsylvania, except that there are no big cities. Iowans get fairly upset when you tell them that Des Moines is a lovely place, but it’s not really a city.
There are no bagels here. Locals will say that there are. But there aren’t. Yes, there are a couple of places that make almost bagels. This is also true for pizza. There is very little NY-style pizza here. There are places that serve delicious things they say is pizza. You’ll have to enjoy these instead.
Minnesotans love sauces. Don't be surprised if you get a burger that has 11 sauces on it. There’s cheese sauce, six forms of BBQ, a spicy tomato chutney, a cool ranch dill, and on and on. Seriously, if you just want a cheeseburger that's just a really good cheeseburger, without applewood smoked bacon, pork rinds, avocado, chimichurri, pickled onions, and cheesy mayo, then yeah, it's a struggle.
Good luck my vegan friends. Even the vegetarian burgers come with cheese and bacon.
Minnesotans don't want any new friends. New Yorkers are used to people dropping in and out of our lives. Minnesotans are not. They have the same friends since they were in the womb and don't have time for anyone else. So if you’re looking to make friends, find other transplants.
Minnesotans have consistently good, but not championship sports teams. These are teams that regularly get into the playoffs and then blow it in the first or second round. The moaning and grousing of Vikings and Twins fans is insufferable to the ears of a Jets and Mets fan. If you won almost as many games as you lost, then you’re doing great and we don’t want to hear about it.
Minnesotans don’t give a shit how cold it is, they’re going outside. When it’s cold for like 9 months of the year, you can’t hide indoors. You will literally go insane. Outside there’s lake hockey, skiing, ice fishing, show-shoeing, weird Nordic bocce-like games that usually involve drinking, and fire pits that also involve drinking. All of these are great fun. It's not like that one day it snows in NYC and everyone stays home except for some ridiculous jerkoff who shows up for the NY1 TV cameras in his late 90’s cross-country outfit and treks across Sheep Meadow on barely an inch of snow.
You're going to need more coats. You’ll need a big coat for -20F weather. A slightly less big, but still warm coat for most of the winter and a couple of “jackets,” that are only for days when it is below 29F but above 17F.
Yes, the winter is colder than Chicago. But there is less wind and way more sunshine, like almost California levels of sunshine.
It’s nice here. Ha. Do I miss New York? Fuck yes. I miss the energy, the potential, and the ambition of New York. I miss the food and the diversity. I miss feeling a city alive around me. But there are lovely people here, who will get you drunk on Glühwein and wave at you when you’re clearing snow. There are nice houses you can afford. And schools that don’t require you to win the lottery to get a good education. I walk to the lake every day and sometimes swim in it. If I wanted to fish I could fish. If I wanted to kayak I could kayakak. Sometimes I go to Prince's house and think about how he and Cher got all their furniture from the same Everything Purple store. It’s good here. And if through glorious opportunity, or regrettable decision-making, you end up here, you’ll probably like it too.