The Incomplete and Eternal Rules of Advertising.

In all our delightful and never anxiety-producing discussions of AI argle-bargle, SEO shenanigans, performance poppycock, and programmatic bafflegab, the most basic laws of advertising physics get forgotten. Executions, trends, and tech all change, and that's truly the fun part. But every new rocket ever built had to start with a clear understanding of gravity.

No one wants advertising

Let’s start with the most obvious rule ever, the one that we completely forget 100% of the time. Advertising isn’t something anyone is excitedly anticipating. No one breathlessly waits for another HubSpot or Panda Copy ad to appear in their feed, during a video, outside the window, or above the urinal. We forget that just because we make something, doesn’t mean anyone wants it.

Seriously, no one fucking wants advertising

If we’re really honest, and why not, social media is the ideal self-indulgent venue for warts-and-all honestly, the consumer attitude toward advertising isn’t just disinterested apathy. It’s more like an active annoyance to persistent acrimony. Consumers find advertising, intrusive, unrewarding, pedantic, misleading, patronizing, repetitive, and boring. And that's when they bother to notice it. It's super important for each one of us to accept that the starting point for any ad experience isn’t a neutral audience. It’s a passively negative one, at the very least. And yes, this is even true with targeted ads.

If you can be ignored you will be

Consumers only see what they care about. Everything that isn’t immediately interesting, entertaining, or relevant is quickly dismissed. And why the assballs shouldn’t it be? Everyone has something else more fun to listen to, read, or watch than another ad. Attention is earned, not paid for. Advertising doesn't compete with other advertising for consumer attention. It competes with everything else in the world that’s more interesting.

If you’re not always asking “Why would I give a fuck about this ad,” nobody else will either

People aren’t looking for reasons to look at your ad, they're looking for reasons not to. Don’t give them one.

Being irrelevant is easy, just talk about yourself

I was in a meeting last week where I had the opportunity to present my observations, informed by my 20+ years of advertising expertise, that resulted in my best-in-class decision-making process, and why the fuck would you read any further? We’re all so scared of not being valued that we gleefully waste everyone’s time talking about how valuable we are. If you want to be valued, make something that your audience will value.

Consumers don’t care how any of the c-suite stakeholders feel about the brand positioning initiatives outlined in the 2024-26 planning session

Unless every decision starts with “Because the consumer feels X,” then the message will get lost. Consumers are engorged with self-interest. They don’t care about the recent merger resulting in the misalignment of key marketing objectives. They only care how they feel about the world they work and live in. And that's it. They want their fears, ambitions, and problems honestly and uniquely represented in entertaining, empowering, and validating ways. Anything else wastes your money and their attention/

The thoughtfully rational argument already lost

Wouldn’t it be great if the world was full of thoughtful consumers, who carefully weigh the logic of their decisions? Sadly, we’re a planet of emotionally needy turbo-Karens who desperately want to be heard, adored, and amused. That's just who human beings are, and the more you’re okay with the inherently irrational nature of our decision-making, the cheaper, better, and more successful your advertising will be.

And yes, to all my “content” fam, informing your customer can be persuasive, but first, they have to decide to listen to you, which they won’t do until you prove you love them for being the shameless needy stimulus junkies that they are.

It's not what it does, it’s what it feels

No one buys a Lambo because they need a car. Nothing about it is at all practical or even terribly useful. It is, however, a lovely car to turn up in. Everyone looks at you with envy and admiration. Or at least it feels like they do, and that's what matters. The same goes for using Tide, eating Progresso soup, or wearing Ferragamo shoes. We don’t choose these things to solve the problem of transportation, dirty laundry, lunch hunger, or tender bare feet. We buy them because it feels good to have brands that tell us we aren’t losers driving a ‘92 Geo Metro, smelling like no-name detergent, and breathing store-brand soup breath, while hobbling through life in our dollar store crock-offs.

Advertising isn’t about sales, the same way that dating isn’t about not dying alone

If the whole reason you date is so someone will be there when you snuff it, you’re not going to have many second dates.

The goal of advertising isn’t to generate sales. It’s to create a relationship where every sale doesn’t require another new ad. The goal of good advertising is to need less advertising. When your message affects consumer behavior for months and years, that’s when you’ve gotten an ROI worth the highest of business bro high-fives.

Advertising, like dating, is about building a relationship so that every interaction doesn’t have to start from 0.

The worst possible decision in advertising is not making one

Absolutely nothing is gained by doing nothing. Some might argue that doing nothing also costs nothing. Which is outrageously untrue. Cultural moments pass, opportunities cool, ideas are forfeited, and expert resources migrate away. Inaction causes all the thinking, planning, and expertise assembled to melt away like butter in the Texas sun. And that cost is real, actual money. Not just in the loss of utilization, but in the inevitable rebooting of the project, only now with less time, new resources, and no money.

Just because no one thinks to put a line item loss on a spreadsheet labeled, “inaction,” doesn’t mean it’s not a big loss.